On my SM college course, only once did I feel as though someone had supported the way I worked. I remember it clearly. I was working in the doorway of the store cupboard making a dressing table out of an old desk. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it, how I wanted to rebuild it. I knew that there were time constraints but I knew what I could achieve in the time left and I knew how to do it. I didn't have the skills (eg; how the hell do you use a drill? (...I know now))and so all I needed was a person of authority to help me and teach me, you know, like teachers should. My teacher begrudgingly had the technician help me and only because I'd been off for a while ill so needed 'help to catch up'. It was awkward at first. We'd never worked together properly and the only real contact we'd had aside from when I first met him, was on a show during first year drama where I didn't exactly come off as a great person to work with. I was considerably uncomfortable with my teacher's direction concerning the content of the play and was not going to be put in situations that offended me just for the sake of a unit grade that could be re-sat. It became an issue when another girl from the course stood up for me and there was a mini-mutiny. From then on, I'd been marked as an instigator for trouble (quite a first for me). After a few awkward minutes of stunted polite talk, the atmosphere relaxed and we began to talk about university choices. At that point he'd asked for some screws and I handed him a little package of tape where I'd stuck the screws in relevant groups to stop them being lost. He looked at me in a strange way and said that of all the kids he'd taught guitar to or helped with tech in the college, that I had the most common sense and that I was very good at what I was good at. He seemed to get it and he understood why I had had the opinions that I had during the play in drama and throughout my tech course. From then on he treated me as though I was an equal or however equal a student and technician can be.

I don't know why this has stuck with me but it was a thought that I carried though to my uni interviews. It made me stay true to myself and not to conform to what the interviewers wanted. What would the point have been to fake somebody that fits into their working style and then 2 weeks into the course having to drop out because it just wasn't working? As a result of me staying true to myself, I got rejected from everywhere non-university I applied to except from the only school that gave me an unconditional place. Trouble is the only place that gave me firm acceptance straight off happens to be one of the best and most well known drama schools in the world.

Those taped up screws really paid off.

Evening.

Dunno why I'm updating this when I never use the bloody thing.

So yesh, just been at college where the main aim over the next month is to figure out where we wanna go next year. For me? Drama school. Working my ass off for it too.

Not much else happening really.
Finished the Hedda Gabler run which wasn't majorly exciting tbh.
and have got a SUDS play coming up which I'm doing stage management for.

I was given the immense opportunity to be in the Sheffield run of Evita shows which I took with both hands! I uploaded the desktop which has the cast pic on. These last two weeks have flown by but I don't think I've had so much fun The cast were nice and my fellow supers were awesome! Champagne was brought in on two occasions and dressing room 12 was the place to be most days XD
Met Seamus Cullen and he came in to the dressing room on the last night to thank us for being there. He really isn't as nobby as he was on TV in that Joseph program
I had a really good chat with the DSM who gave me his view on the job and drama school. He'd actually stuck a post it on the desk to remind him which was cool because he actually took time out to speak with me. He graduated in 2002 from 'Bruford and said it was good but also explained that drama schools have ups and downs so it's pot luck as to whether or not you have a good graduating year. He said Central generally produce average students and Mountview was on the up. It was funny because the chat happened to coincide with the physical warmup so I was trying to not get distracted with the (mostly gay) male dancers warming up...
You know, even on the first night I wasn't shaking nervous and never was throughout the whole fortnight. I just checked on the Lyceum website and I was on stage in front of around 1000 people per performance yet before then I could barely get words out during performances. Mental but also AWESOME!!!
My first professional performance get in!
I should say right now that it was unpaid but tbh it was worth it.
If you get a chance to see the show before Louise Dearman leaves in November, go for it!

But yeah that's about it.

x

For some reason I was going through old journals and stuff and well you know, bleugh. I just felt sad when I read them.


Anyways, I'm fully enrolled for my last year of college which came nicely with a bunch of free stuff. Also with me being forced to drop either Archaeology or media since I apprently HAVE to drop one and theres no point dropping the btecs since I'll have nothing to show for the first year as they are two year courses. I dropped archaeology. I'm pretty disappointed because except for it being reasonably interesting, my class and teacher kicked arse. Gunna miss em I might go on the first day and beg to be put back on the course. I just can't be arsed with the work though; it's not just digging up stuff you know. I also signed the forms for the 2/3rds of my archae AS exams to be remarked. I failed the excavation and ritual&religion papers. Got a D on the dating&sciency stuff. When I was last in Leicester my mum called and said that my teacher had been on the phone pretty distraught because as only 5 out of 7 of us actually took the exams and I think only a few passed, her job was in danger unless she could claim bad marking, so she was digging for remarking volunteers. I was slightly nervous about this since if you look at the mark breakdown I only got an overall E by 3 marks and thus couldn't afford to lose anymore during a remark :S

I did wanna do AS photography since I was lied to about it last year, but NO I can't do that. Because they are arses.

And I have THE BIGGEST BITCH EVER as a tutor next year. I want my old one back with my old tutor group *cries* Fucking loved it in there! (And Chris. He was a big nerdy cute person. Ahem.)

On the upside, one of my SM teachers has left taking his caught-in-the-tech-cupboard-shagging partner, my drama teacher, with him. YAY!!!!!!
Those two bastards were the dark marks on a near perfect year.
Yes matey, the whole SM group hated you.
Yeah, he actually sat us all down and tried to make us tell him why we hated him. He didn't 'want to leave things that way'. You should of seen one of my friends!! OMG, he looked like he wanted to murder him and when we all mooched out after, he nearly exploaded with 'I should've told him's and 'He's a shit teacher for fucks sake!'s! Absolutley brilliant!
Those two will go down in the 2007/2009 year books. All who knew of them ran. Fast. (One even to France. True fact. Hellooo holiday repping!)

When I had my photo taken for the new ID cards the women commented on how different I looked. I KNOW my photo was icky first time round and when I got to see the new one during data input, it didn't look that much better. It does however look like two completely different people which I think is fucking hilarious. When I get the new card I'll scan both pics and upload them to Face/Space so y'all can see.

This last year has flown by. Blimey. *sigh*
I still remember my first few days at college. Miss them so much

Ah, LPSFC. You suck but yet rock in oddly even measures.

Have been racking up the work experience for my drama school apps in a few months. I've been volunteering with this theater company in the middle of Sheffield and it has been simply wicked. Dunno why but I have really enjoyed the times I've helped out. Even the nobby hyper kids! Been a laugh Going back to school to help with a summer school with the company was fab too since I got to make wicker buildings, mess with the new moving heads in the hall (they have a full lighting rig FFS!! Yet strangely no scaffolding...), do sound for the last half of the final show, boss kids around, be 'in charge', shadow the project/stage manager, shadow a lighting designer and have a frank talk about drama schools during which I was strongly advised to avoid Rose Bruford and apply to RADA since he was 'sure I could do it'.
OMG: 24 HOUR SHAKESPEARE AND THE REALLY HOT GUY FROM ADELAIDE. OMG! He was fine I'm telling you! (Is Lucky really a name?!) He is the male image that accompanies this summer in my mind memory vault.

Haha, I just found my old PictureTrail account.
[link]
(And no, I don't remember the passwords to the protected albums...)
[link] < Kickass or what?!!!!


2:23am.

Oh hey, I fell asleep on floor last night. I was fine one minute then 'oh, I feel tired', WHAM. Out like a light.


Yeah, I am digging for something to write, you're right.

Isn't this all a bit LOL?!

Goodnight.

The NA drama group will be performing a version of Shakers a week today. All 7 of us.
We have approximatley 3.5 hours of class time left and we haven't even finished going through the scenes we're doing, let alone actually running it through.
If we pull this off, it will be a fucking miracle.

Our media coursework needs to be finished and edited by a week today.
The plot isn't exactly clear, we don't have a title and only today did they see my point that we needed some form of narration to hold it together.
If we pull this off, it will be a fucking miracle.

I have an NYT interview in half term and I need to put together a portfolio.
My teacher has my work; he was supposed to photocopy it for me but didn't. I need to put in pictures and material samples etc. which I can't do until I get the basic work back. I'd have to rely on enthusiasm alone if I don't get a portfolio done. Ha.
If I pull this off, it will be a fucking miracle.

Yay.

On Friday I saw Linkin Park at Sheffield Arena.
They were AMAZING!

I got outside the arena about half 3 ish and there were only a few people waiting. I saw a friend of a friend after a long while so that was cool. A chatty Welsh couple came along about 2 mins after we did and started talking to us. Turns out she had seen LP live 20+ times and had even gone to Miami to see them (and he was just along for the ride), which made me realise that at basically every show I've been to I have encountered a superfan Heh, I love it.
Anyway, so I was texting my Facebook friend who I was meeting up with since I was there on my own (my friends couldn't get tickets and mum's not really all that good at being in pits). It was nice of her to agree to meetup since I didn't figure that the queue would be so friendly. Anyway at about 4ish I got talking to this lad who was infront of us in the queue and was also waiting for his friends to come round. He reminded me of my old friend Kyle which was freaky. Anyway, he seemed really cool and we just kept talking about anything really. It started getting bitterly cold and so my mum left me in the queue and went home (I'm suprised she stayed so long since she looked quite pale to be honest). I introduced myself properly to the dude and he told me he went by many names so I asked which he was going to use tonight and he said 'anda' which he was apparently called waybackwhen in school and it has stuck ever since. It was weird because we literally talked about anything in that 2 hour period, even the best ways to lose weight (he was a very padded dude) and gutbuster sandwiches. It was like we were best mates you know?
At about 5:45pm the security at the arena started fucking with the queues and cut the queue in half, bringing the back end up to the front which pissed us at the front right off. We'd waited for 4 hours in the cold to be at the same point as those who got there an hour before the doors?! Fuck that. The Welsh couple were especially annoyed and I let them back to their original position in the queue. The security then preceeded to tell us that studded belts, chains, any metal clothing attachments bigger than zips, etc. were banned and that all bags would be searched, which again pissed a LOT of people off. Panda filled in the remaining half hour with playing LP from his phone and that's also when I found out about Lacuna Coil's cover of Enjoy The Silence which was rad. Then we were let up the steps and through the doors. I momentarily lost my friend from FB and her boyfriend and also the Welsh couple but caught up with them inside. I didn't see Panda again after the steps- I asked Laura what happened to him when we were inside and apprently he didn't hide his chain well enough and was taken aside by security. Maybe I'll see him around Barnsley sometime.
So I got 4/5th row from the barrier towards the left of the stage which in the grand scheme of things was pretty good.
I gotta say, Biffy Clyro disappointed me. They sounded awesome on CD but live they were a bit shit and the singer looked as if he hadn't washed his hair in a month. Literally. You could've fried chips on his head.
They finished their set and then the tech guys came and shunted the kit off. At this point I started looking at what they were doing in a technical light. It was pretty cool to see it happen up close you know? I mean, I've been up front at other gigs and seen it happen, but I don't know, it seemed different. So they took Biffy's kit off and began to rig up a thin white curtain. I was watching the process of them bringing down the rig the curtain was on and then clipping it in place with pliers and it was damn cool. What you can't see on the (many) YouTube videos of the intro was that the material looked a bit.. used? Like a painting cloth or the effect you get when you spill bleach on something that was already white and it goes kinda seethrough. I think it's awesome how you can turn something that was probably in an industrial bargain bin and make it part of a really fucking effective intro. Anyway, I don't think anyone told the RockSteady heavies that it was gunna fall since they looked quite scared incase it landed on them. So eventually, you could see they had taken away the black curtain that had hidden Joe's desk and the drum kit during Biffy Clyro and were testing the lights and stuff. Then all the tech's shadows disappeared.
And then the lights went down.

Cue massive roar from the arena. The guitar intro to No More Sorrow started up and built up and up, and you could see the shadows of Linkin Park on the curtain. Then there was a split second of silence, the curtain dropped and the arena exploded.
There was a crowd surge and suddenly 5 rows of people were squished into the space of 3. At this point breathing was a luxury. I got myself stood nicely between some tall dudes and used this really tall, well built, old dude just infront to the right of me as a sort of anchor, leaning my elbow between his shoulder blades. To be honest, he didn't even notice. If indeed you did wish to breathe what you had to do was hold yourself away from the person infront of you and put your face to the ceiling for a few seconds, before resuming freaking out. My position for the first third of the show was basically left arm defending my chest from people's elbows and the right arm was stuck in the air. There was a point where I physically couldn't bring it down again because we were that squished. It was then that I thanked whoever's up there in the heavens for my current tallness/muscly arms and shoulders/heavy build. It's a blessing in disguise.
I was smack infront of Brad Delson and had an amazing view of Mike and Chester too SO freaking close!!!! Admittedly I couldn't see Phoenix until he came over to our side of the stage and my view of Rob, Joe and the piano songs was quite limited, but I wouldn't have traded places.
About a third of the way through the crowd behind me got tired but my little section was just picking up. There was like a concentrated group of tall guys around me and then there was me in the middle of it all yelling just as loud as the guys were which seemed pretty funny. About 1/2 way through, Mike and Chester started coming to us during the faster songs and singing to our 4m square of tightly packed madness. It was so, SO, amazing to be stood there being part of a group shouting back at Chester, Mike and sometimes Brad You could feel the electricity in the air, it was just amazing!

The set was thus:
01. No More Sorrow
02. Don't Stay
03. Somewhere I Belong
04. Wake
05. Given Up
06. Lying From You
07. Papercut
08. Points Of Authority
09. Leave Out All The Rest
10. Numb
11. The Little Things Give You Away
12. Shadow Of The Day
13. Breaking The Habit
14. Valentine's Day
15. Crawling
16. In The End
17. Bleed It Out
18. What I've Done
19. Pushing Me Away (Piano Version)
20. One Step Closer
21. Faint

Absolutely perfect aside from no My December, but I like this set better than the version with MD in.
From 14 to the end, everyone just went mad and it was a mass of shouting along and punching the air.
Pretty. Fucking. Amazing.
I think you had to be there to get what I mean about the atmosphere down front. It was seriously unbelieveable. And also there were no really nobhead moshers around where I was, just passionate fans, which meant we all had a good time without getting too beaten up
I'd pick out my favourite song of the night, but I don't think I can. That said, 8/15/16/17/18/20 and 21 were really awesome. One Step Closer was awesome because Chester came over to where we were and the whole yelling back at him was just immense.

So, unfortunatly it ended and we all filed out. My legs were a bit fucked still from the drama lesson on Wednesday and so I was a bit wobbly walking up the steps into the entrance area. I bought a program on the way out (I honestly couldn't find the other merch stands o_O) which is pretty cool and then got round to the tram stand and back to Meadowhall for about 11ish.

Am now currently waiting for the code for the digital download to be emailed to me. Better come else there'll be trouble...



-----------


I just wanna say something more.
I got into Linkin Park around 2003/4 and I was in a pretty fucked place emotionally. Some of you may know this but at that point there was no light at the end of the tunnel and by 2005/6 I was fully ready to give up. It took me those months I had away from school this time last year to break through what was going on in my head. I don't think many of you understood. I mean, it wasn't just mentally challenging but physically too since I found out something that was medically wrong and all that combined just made me crash and burn. I know that everyone including my own mother thought I was just being pissy but it wasn't that. I needed time to figure out what was going on and I couldn't with everything else going on around me. During these years, I leant on music to express my feelings and Linkin Park was my anger release.
Around April last year, I got my shit together and began trying to move on. I literally packed away the old me and began making a new improved version, so to speak. I moved away from the whole 'alternative' scene and found new interests and new music styles to go crazy about.
Things were going pretty fucking well until a few weeks before Christmas I ended up crying on my Archaeology teacher's shoulder which I felt so pathetic for doing but she really did help and suggested I see a therapist. To be honest, I didn't. I don't like people trying to make me better with good wishes and medications, and I feel better in myself that I'd got through 4 years of crap and pulled myself out. I had a small relapse, that was all, you know, it had to happen. After that I was fine. I had my first pleasant Christmas and New Year since 2003 and I'd been coasting on good feelings for about 6 months.
On Friday it was like I was back in my more alt days and the emotion from 4 and a bit years of my life, every pissed off angry second, was released. You have no idea how good it felt. I was thinking yesterday and I realised that my past is finally, completely in the past and I can move on now. It was like seeing Linkin Park up close performing all the songs I related to bad times, released the feelings and put a lid on it all. I know people say it all the time, but that chapter is over and it's time to start a new. And it feels all the better knowing that I can do it.
This is the last you'll hear of the negative side of the last years.
I wanna say thanks to everyone who helped me out over the years, whichever forum/messageboard/chatroom you were from. You made things more bareable

Thanks for reading.
x